But Even if You Don't...

There's just something about being  in a place of constant vulnerability that will bring you immediately to your knees. I was reading back through some of the posts I made while we lived in Korea. From the moment we stepped off the plane, we were vulnerable. We got into the car with complete strangers and moved to a place where we knew no one. We walked through this life one day at a time, constantly growing and learning how to be comfortable and familiar. We learned how to buy trash bags and tell the taxi where we wanted them to go. We learned how to order pizza and navigate the subway system. We bought groceries and decorated for holidays. Over time, we adjusted and found a new normal. God went before us and walked with us during that transition.

I really need this reminder of God's faithfulness right now. This year is only halfway over, and it has already been the hardest of my life. In February, I was told that the district was closing our program next school year, and that I, along with my fellow teachers, had to find new jobs. I was crushed. I genuinely loved my job, and unfortunately, the job I had was unique to that district. I cried and sought Jesus, searching for His plan for my future. Thankfully, the week of my birthday, God opened the door for me to be hired as a 5th grade ELA teacher at the school I wanted to work at in KISD. I am so thankful and excited about this new opportunity, but at the same time, I am once again in a constant state of vulnerability. You see, I had become comfortable with my previous job. Other than a few small changes here and there, I knew what to expect, knew my co-workers, and was familiar with how things were run. I suppose God decided it was time to take me out of my comfort zone and bring some new challenges and experiences my way.

Shortly after I was told I'd have to find a new job, my brother was admitted to the hospital for an infection. I went to visit him for his birthday, and it seemed as though he would make it out of the hospital. The following week I got a call from my mom that he had been put on life support following a procedure to remove his port, which had become infected. This was so scary, but thankfully after several days, he was stable on his own. Though he was stable, the doctors thought it best to move him to San Antonio, where he could receive more specific care. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, we found out that his cancer had returned with a vengeance, and it was only a matter of time before he entered the presence of Jesus. When I got the call that he probably wouldn't make it through the weekend, I rushed to San Antonio with my little sister, and I am so thankful for the final conversations I was able to have with him. We joked, laughed, sang, and read the Bible. He told me everything was going to be okay, that he loved me, and that it was okay to cry. He told me to spend time with the family and get everyone together for BBQs and basketball. When I told him that he has a great big family that loves him, he said, "I know. I've got my chocolate family and my vanilla family." I watched his eyes light up when I gave him a donut for breakfast and a sip of his favorite Dr. Pepper. I stood by his side and scratched his head, back and chest until he fell asleep. Over and over again, I released him to Jesus because I knew his time was coming. He took his final breath on Sunday, May 7th, and my world was forever changed. Once again, I'm in a state of complete vulnerability. It's now time to adjust and find a new normal.

In typical Sarah fashion, I have found myself in moments where I want to push aside my emotions, hide them under the rug, and focus on some menial task that takes my mind away from this vulnerability. I am scared of the future. I am anxious about this new normal. I am insecure.

But thankfully what I've realized is that God uses these moments of vulnerability to really shape and grow me. It's easy to praise him when nothing wrong is going on in life. It requires trust and faith and strength from Him to praise him when everything is going wrong. Honestly, I haven't wanted to put forth the effort to praise him in these moments, yet I know that is exactly what I need to do. He has been faithful in my life to walk next to me in my trying times, and I fully believe that he will be faithful to walk with me no matter how difficult I think life is. I just need to put in the effort. He's there. I just need to call out to Him.

These words from MercyMe's song Even If have really hit home these last few months.

It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul